A Panzerism

 Panzer on the human misconception of their own importance:

 

Mon told me that if parents compliment children it boosts their confidence.

She said that's a good thing.

 

But ...

 

She needs to learn you don't ever compliment a cat.

N o-o-o-o ... a real bad idea.

 

Good kitty. You're kidding right?

Cats will always take such sentiments and turn them into moments of disbelief

and ... then hilarity.

 

How dare a mere human ... an inferior species to cats ... pass judgement on us ...

with statements like "Good Kitty" and "What a smart boy."

 

 

 

 

From Cat Wisdom for humans 

A Panzerism

 Panzer on errors:

 

Cats are never wrong

 

Never.

They may be temporarily intellectually challenged, but they are never wrong. 

 

Ever.

 

Got it?

 

Good.

 

 

 

 

*From Cat Wisdom for humans 

A Panzerism

You expected something different?*

Panzer on a canine's true value:

 

Let sleeping dogs lie ...

 

 After all they're dogs ...

 

That's all they're good for,

 

 

 

 

*From Cat Wisdom for humans 

A Panzerism

 Panzer on human narcissism:

 

I have joined Mom and What's His Name at backyard barbecues for the Fourth of July with neighbors, for coffee and tea on the deck for New Year's morning, and holiday season dinners with their families.

You can't change what is.*

 

One thing stands out to me at these gatherings:

 

Mom is always the second most attractive creature there.

 

Too bad she has such an attractive cat over shadowing her.

 

 

  

*From Cat Wisdom for humans 

A Monday Panzerism

Panzer on Cat Proverbs:

 

Proverb 1 

 

A watched cat food dish never attracts a herd of elephants.

 

But ...

 

Works every time.

Staring woefully at an empty cat food dish ...

 

And ...

 

mewling when Mom comes in the room ...

 

guarantees a full cat food dish. 

A Panzerism

 Panzer on being clever:

 

Mom's been giving this kitty eye drops twice a day.

 

I can tell you it doesn't really hurt ...

 

but ...

 

I yowl and whimper ...

 

My very best abused cat routine ...

 

because when she's done ...

 

I get a treat.

 

Yogurt!

Would her mascara work?

 

I love yogurt!

 

Today is my last eye drops day. 

 

I want to extend the yogurt treats, but I don't know how to make my eyes look like I need more drops.

 

A Panzerism

 Panzer on duplication:

 

Mom thinks, if she says a word twice, it's easier for cats to understand. 

 

I mean when she wants my attention, she says, "Here Kitty, Kitty." I know I'm a Kitty. Maybe, I just don't want to come over there right now.

Kitty-Kitty. Geez.

 Or, she'll toss the toy mouse and say, "Go get your mouse, mouse." Well, it's a toy mouse. Duh. Maybe, I just don't want to chase it right now.

 

Get it? I understand you. I just don't want to do it. So don't double the words Okay Mom-Mom?

 

 

 

 

From Cat Wisdom for humans 

A Panzerism

 Panzer on giving to charity for the greater good:

 

Mom told me she and What's His Name are going to a charity auction tonight. She said all the money raised will go to take care of retired greyhounds. 

 

She said it's a good cause ... And ... That humans always support good causes.

 

So ... after thinking about it a while ... 

I want to start a charity for retired cats.

 

I'll be waiting by the mailbox.*

You humans won't even have to leave home.

 

Just mail me your check, cash or catnip.

 

On second thought ... Just send the catnip. 

 

 

 

 

 

*From Cat Wisdom for humans 

 

A Panzerism

Panzer on human confusion: 

 

He's always on my not good side.

What's His Name told me it's a three dimension world.

 

But I know he's wrong.

 

There are only two ...

 

My good side ...

And the side you don't want to be on. 

 

 

A Panzerism

 Panzer on Spring Love:

 

It's Spring time. When a boy kitty's thoughts turn to girl kitties.

 

There I was last night, sitting on the back fence ...

 Singing that I was looking for love.

Then I saw her ... an answer to my kitty serenade.

The most beautiful girl kitty ...

Long shiny gorgeous calico fur ... unbelievably cute ears.

I asked her for a date.

She'll be back. Girls cant resist me.

She looked at me with those golden eyes ... then shook her head.

I asked for her phone number so I could call her.

She gave it to me with no hesitation.

But ... When I called it today, some guy answered and said, "Animal Control Service. Cat Neutering Division.

Darn claws. I must have dialed wrong.

 

 

 

 

From Cat Wisdom for humans 

A Panzerism

 Panzer on self-confidence:

 

Are you kidding? I am CAT.*

What?

 

Self-confidence?

 

I don't need that.

 

I am CAT.

 

 

 

 

*From Cat Wisdom for humans 

Panzerism

Panzer on board games:

 

I love playing checkers with Mom and What's His Name.

 

Especially that part where the noble jungle kitty sneaks through the tall carpet grass.

 

He waits patiently.

 

He slithers forward ...

 

and ...

 

You're free! Fly away!*

pounces on the checker board where all the plastic pieces take flight

 

like ...

 

a herd of butterflies.

 

 

 

 

 

*From Cat Wisdom for humans 

A Panzerism

 Panzer on the Creator's creations:

 

The Creator only made a certain number of perfect creations.

 

Ones ...

 

with fur ...

 

with tails ...

See ... No thumbs.*

 

with pointy ears ...

 

and the extraordinary ability to purr.

 

The others he gave opposable thumbs. 

 

 

 

 

 

*From Cat Wisdom for humans 

A Panzerism

Panzer on the Zen of teaching cats:

 

When you tell a dog to sit,

it means he can relax and get off

his feet for a minute.

 

But ...

if you tell a cat to sit, 

that cat has to wake up, stretch,

Listen to me ... It's not going to happen*.

and ...

then get up to sit.

 

So I think you can take sit off the list of things to teach a cat to do.

 

 

 

 

 

*From Cat Wisdom for humans 

A Panzerism

Did you pay the bill yet?*

Panzer on the look of innocence:

 

Oh. Your credit card bill came today?

 

Who joined the Catnip of the Month Club?

 

 Hmmm ...

 

How would I know?

 

 

 

*From Cat Wisdom for humans 

A Panzerism

Panzer on developing your cat's personality through games:

 

Let's try it and see.*

No ...

 

I don't want to play a game of chase the wadded up paper ball.

 

Now ... 

 

A game of ambush Mom's ankles might be kind of fun, though.

 

 

 

 

*From Cat Wisdom for humans

A Panzerism

Are you kidding? I am CAT.*

Panzer on self-confidence:

 

What?

 

Self-confidence?

 

I don't need that.

 

I am CAT.

 

 

 

*From Cat Wisdom for humans 

A Panzerism

Panzer on teaching your human:

 

 What's His Name wants me to get off his coat.

 

I told him no ...

 

Twice.

 

It's why cats have claws.

What we have here is a teachable moment.

 

Focus ...

 

This is important:

 

No means NO! 

A Panzerism

Panzer on training your human:

 

What's His Name has been giving me collie wobbles. 

 

He's been trying to teach me, a cat, to fetch, by tossing a toy mouse and telling me to go get it. 

 

So ...

 

Go get them. Like being a dog?

Just to show him how stupid that is ...

 

I tossed his car keys in the toilet.

Let's see if he'll fetch them. 

A Panzerism

Panzer on the human idea of closure:

 

Mom's goldfish Molly died. Mom says she wants closure.

 

Mom, Molly was a goldfish.*

Humans should understand each moment passes away forever. It's gone. There's no way to enter the past.

 

The past is like water disappearing down the toilet with Molly. She's gone to some unknown and unknowable place.

 

A better place for Molly? Perhaps. 

 

 

 

*From Cat Wisdom for humans