A Panzerism

 Panzer on keeping pets:

 

The three main reasons to keep pets:

 

1) Teaches responsibility;

2) Teaches unselfishness;

3) Teaches cleanliness.

One heartbeat away from the curb.

 

All true.

 

But mostly I just keep Mom around to feed me. 

Otherwise, I'd dump her in a heartbeat.

 

A Panzerism

 Panzer on fashion:

 

I'm not usually interested in human fashion.

 

I can't wait for her to find it!

But ... 

 

Today Mom sure looks great in her blue blazer.

 

The one with my surprise gift ... 

 

of the dead mouse in the pocket. 

A Panzerism

 Panzer on thoughts of Autumn:

 

Mom's asters are blooming. She said they bring another beautiful Summer to a conclusion.

Hey ...

Wait a minute ...

That means Autumn is coming.

She better appreciate my work.

Cold weather. Rain. Sleet. Snow.

COLD! 

I have to get outside now!

I have to rip out all those asters.

NOW!

It's up to ME to stop Autumn form coming!

 

 

 

 

*From Cat Wisdom for humans

A Panzerism

 Panzer on the Cat Olympics:

 

There I was practicing for the high jump.

 

Squat down. Check the height of What's His Name's desk.

 

Wiggle my rear end. I know I can do this.

 

Don't yell at me. You left it there.

Jump for the stars. A perfect arch.

 

Ready for a four point landing ...

 

and ...

 

There's a cup of coffee on his blueprints. 

A Panzerism

 Panzer on teaching humans:

 

Everyone says that cats hold grudges.

You know ...

It's true.

We value the ability a grudge gives us to maintain our contempt for humans.

 

Chubby cat, huh?*

Here's an example: 

Mom's new neighbor Buddy actually said this out loud the first time he came over to the house last week,

"What s chubby sat."

 

I'll tell you about grudges ...

He will never find his house key again. Never. Never. Never.

 

 

 

*From Cat Wisdom for humans 

A Panzerism

 

Why didn't I think of that?

Panzer on hunting dogs:

 

Sounds like a good idea to me ...

 

but ...

 

is it legal?

 

 

 

 

*Froom Cat Wisdom for hiumans 

Panzerism

 Sorry this is late. Mom is sick today.

 

******

 

Panzer on book reviews:

 

Puppy love? Who would read that?*

I read a book review today that said 

 

the story-line was about ...

 

puppy love.

 

Dumbest plot I ever heard of.

 

 

 

 

*From Cat Wisdom for humans 

 

 

A Panzerism

 Panzer on errors:

 

Cats are never wrong

 

Never.

They may be temporarily intellectually challenged, but they are never wrong. 

 

Ever.

 

Got it?

 

Good.

 

 

 

 

*From Cat Wisdom for humans 

A Panzerism

You expected something different?*

Panzer on a canine's true value:

 

Let sleeping dogs lie ...

 

 After all they're dogs ...

 

That's all they're good for,

 

 

 

 

*From Cat Wisdom for humans 

A Panzerism

Panzer on What's His Name's new friend:

 

What's His Name has a new friend named Jim.

In fact, he's such an important friend to What's His Name that he calls him The Jim.

I don't know what they do when What's His Name goes to visit The Jim ... 

but ...

when he comes back, boy do his clothes stink.

 

So ...

It's your fault. You left them there.

he can't blame me that he left his clothes on the floor ...

and ...

the light was off ...

and ...

it was dark ...

and ...

it did smell like my litter box. 

 

 

 

*From Cat Wisdom for humans

A Panzerism

 Panzer on human narcissism:

 

I have joined Mom and What's His Name at backyard barbecues for the Fourth of July with neighbors, for coffee and tea on the deck for New Year's morning, and holiday season dinners with their families.

You can't change what is.*

 

One thing stands out to me at these gatherings:

 

Mom is always the second most attractive creature there.

 

Too bad she has such an attractive cat over shadowing her.

 

 

  

*From Cat Wisdom for humans 

A Monday Panzerism

Panzer on Cat Proverbs:

 

Proverb 1 

 

A watched cat food dish never attracts a herd of elephants.

 

But ...

 

Works every time.

Staring woefully at an empty cat food dish ...

 

And ...

 

mewling when Mom comes in the room ...

 

guarantees a full cat food dish. 

A Panzerism

 Panzer on being clever:

 

Mom's been giving this kitty eye drops twice a day.

 

I can tell you it doesn't really hurt ...

 

but ...

 

I yowl and whimper ...

 

My very best abused cat routine ...

 

because when she's done ...

 

I get a treat.

 

Yogurt!

Would her mascara work?

 

I love yogurt!

 

Today is my last eye drops day. 

 

I want to extend the yogurt treats, but I don't know how to make my eyes look like I need more drops.

 

A Panzerism

 Panzer on duplication:

 

Mom thinks, if she says a word twice, it's easier for cats to understand. 

 

I mean when she wants my attention, she says, "Here Kitty, Kitty." I know I'm a Kitty. Maybe, I just don't want to come over there right now.

Kitty-Kitty. Geez.

 Or, she'll toss the toy mouse and say, "Go get your mouse, mouse." Well, it's a toy mouse. Duh. Maybe, I just don't want to chase it right now.

 

Get it? I understand you. I just don't want to do it. So don't double the words Okay Mom-Mom?

 

 

 

 

From Cat Wisdom for humans 

A Panzerism

 Panzer on giving to charity for the greater good:

 

Mom told me she and What's His Name are going to a charity auction tonight. She said all the money raised will go to take care of retired greyhounds. 

 

She said it's a good cause ... And ... That humans always support good causes.

 

So ... after thinking about it a while ... 

I want to start a charity for retired cats.

 

I'll be waiting by the mailbox.*

You humans won't even have to leave home.

 

Just mail me your check, cash or catnip.

 

On second thought ... Just send the catnip. 

 

 

 

 

 

*From Cat Wisdom for humans 

 

A Panzerism

Panzer on human confusion: 

 

He's always on my not good side.

What's His Name told me it's a three dimension world.

 

But I know he's wrong.

 

There are only two ...

 

My good side ...

And the side you don't want to be on. 

 

 

A Panzerism

 Panzer on Spring Love:

 

It's Spring time. When a boy kitty's thoughts turn to girl kitties.

 

There I was last night, sitting on the back fence ...

 Singing that I was looking for love.

Then I saw her ... an answer to my kitty serenade.

The most beautiful girl kitty ...

Long shiny gorgeous calico fur ... unbelievably cute ears.

I asked her for a date.

She'll be back. Girls cant resist me.

She looked at me with those golden eyes ... then shook her head.

I asked for her phone number so I could call her.

She gave it to me with no hesitation.

But ... When I called it today, some guy answered and said, "Animal Control Service. Cat Neutering Division.

Darn claws. I must have dialed wrong.

 

 

 

 

From Cat Wisdom for humans 

A Panzerism

 Panzer on self-confidence:

 

Are you kidding? I am CAT.*

What?

 

Self-confidence?

 

I don't need that.

 

I am CAT.

 

 

 

 

*From Cat Wisdom for humans 

Panzerism

Panzer on board games:

 

I love playing checkers with Mom and What's His Name.

 

Especially that part where the noble jungle kitty sneaks through the tall carpet grass.

 

He waits patiently.

 

He slithers forward ...

 

and ...

 

You're free! Fly away!*

pounces on the checker board where all the plastic pieces take flight

 

like ...

 

a herd of butterflies.

 

 

 

 

 

*From Cat Wisdom for humans 

A Panzerism

 Panzer on the Creator's creations:

 

The Creator only made a certain number of perfect creations.

 

Ones ...

 

with fur ...

 

with tails ...

See ... No thumbs.*

 

with pointy ears ...

 

and the extraordinary ability to purr.

 

The others he gave opposable thumbs. 

 

 

 

 

 

*From Cat Wisdom for humans