A Panzerism

 Panzer on errors:

 

Cats are never wrong

 

Never.

They may be temporarily intellectually challenged, but they are never wrong. 

 

Ever.

 

Got it?

 

Good.

 

 

 

 

*From Cat Wisdom for humans 

A Panzerism

Panzer on What's His Name's new friend:

 

What's His Name has a new friend named Jim.

In fact, he's such an important friend to What's His Name that he calls him The Jim.

I don't know what they do when What's His Name goes to visit The Jim ... 

but ...

when he comes back, boy do his clothes stink.

 

So ...

It's your fault. You left them there.

he can't blame me that he left his clothes on the floor ...

and ...

the light was off ...

and ...

it was dark ...

and ...

it did smell like my litter box. 

 

 

 

*From Cat Wisdom for humans

A Monday Panzerism

Panzer on Cat Proverbs:

 

Proverb 1 

 

A watched cat food dish never attracts a herd of elephants.

 

But ...

 

Works every time.

Staring woefully at an empty cat food dish ...

 

And ...

 

mewling when Mom comes in the room ...

 

guarantees a full cat food dish. 

A Panzerism

 Panzer on being clever:

 

Mom's been giving this kitty eye drops twice a day.

 

I can tell you it doesn't really hurt ...

 

but ...

 

I yowl and whimper ...

 

My very best abused cat routine ...

 

because when she's done ...

 

I get a treat.

 

Yogurt!

Would her mascara work?

 

I love yogurt!

 

Today is my last eye drops day. 

 

I want to extend the yogurt treats, but I don't know how to make my eyes look like I need more drops.

 

A Panzerism

 Panzer on duplication:

 

Mom thinks, if she says a word twice, it's easier for cats to understand. 

 

I mean when she wants my attention, she says, "Here Kitty, Kitty." I know I'm a Kitty. Maybe, I just don't want to come over there right now.

Kitty-Kitty. Geez.

 Or, she'll toss the toy mouse and say, "Go get your mouse, mouse." Well, it's a toy mouse. Duh. Maybe, I just don't want to chase it right now.

 

Get it? I understand you. I just don't want to do it. So don't double the words Okay Mom-Mom?

 

 

 

 

From Cat Wisdom for humans 

A Panzerism

 Panzer on giving to charity for the greater good:

 

Mom told me she and What's His Name are going to a charity auction tonight. She said all the money raised will go to take care of retired greyhounds. 

 

She said it's a good cause ... And ... That humans always support good causes.

 

So ... after thinking about it a while ... 

I want to start a charity for retired cats.

 

I'll be waiting by the mailbox.*

You humans won't even have to leave home.

 

Just mail me your check, cash or catnip.

 

On second thought ... Just send the catnip. 

 

 

 

 

 

*From Cat Wisdom for humans 

 

A Panzerism

 Panzer on Spring Love:

 

It's Spring time. When a boy kitty's thoughts turn to girl kitties.

 

There I was last night, sitting on the back fence ...

 Singing that I was looking for love.

Then I saw her ... an answer to my kitty serenade.

The most beautiful girl kitty ...

Long shiny gorgeous calico fur ... unbelievably cute ears.

I asked her for a date.

She'll be back. Girls cant resist me.

She looked at me with those golden eyes ... then shook her head.

I asked for her phone number so I could call her.

She gave it to me with no hesitation.

But ... When I called it today, some guy answered and said, "Animal Control Service. Cat Neutering Division.

Darn claws. I must have dialed wrong.

 

 

 

 

From Cat Wisdom for humans 

A Panzerism

Panzer on developing your cat's personality through games:

 

Let's try it and see.*

No ...

 

I don't want to play a game of chase the wadded up paper ball.

 

Now ... 

 

A game of ambush Mom's ankles might be kind of fun, though.

 

 

 

 

*From Cat Wisdom for humans

A Panzerism

Are you kidding? I am CAT.*

Panzer on self-confidence:

 

What?

 

Self-confidence?

 

I don't need that.

 

I am CAT.

 

 

 

*From Cat Wisdom for humans 

A Panzerism

Panzer on training your human:

 

What's His Name has been giving me collie wobbles. 

 

He's been trying to teach me, a cat, to fetch, by tossing a toy mouse and telling me to go get it. 

 

So ...

 

Go get them. Like being a dog?

Just to show him how stupid that is ...

 

I tossed his car keys in the toilet.

Let's see if he'll fetch them. 

A Panzerism

Panzer on the human idea of closure:

 

Mom's goldfish Molly died. Mom says she wants closure.

 

Mom, Molly was a goldfish.*

Humans should understand each moment passes away forever. It's gone. There's no way to enter the past.

 

The past is like water disappearing down the toilet with Molly. She's gone to some unknown and unknowable place.

 

A better place for Molly? Perhaps. 

 

 

 

*From Cat Wisdom for humans 

A Monday Panzerism

Panzer on exercise equipment:

 

Mom bought me a scratching post. She said it's like her treadmill, only for cats. 

 

Next time I'll tell you what I wanr.

Kind of silly, huh?

 

 It doesn't have handlebars. I don't have any laundry or raincoats to hang over them even if it did.

 

Nope. ... It's a waste of money, Mom.

 

 

 

 

 From Cat Wisdom for humans 

A Panzerism

 

Let's try it and see.*

Panzer on developing your cat's personality through games:

 

 No, I don't want to play the game of chase the wadded up paper ball.

 Now ...

 A game of ambush Mom's ankles might be kind of fun, though.

 

 

 

 

*From Cat Wisdom for humans 

A Monday Panzerism

 Panzer on errors:

 

Cats are never wrong.

 

Never.*

They may be temporarily intellectually challenged,

but they are never wrong.

 

Ever.

 

Got it?

 

Good.

 

 

 

*From Cat Wisdom for humans 

A Panzerism

 Sorry this is a late. It's been a busy day.

 

***** 

 

Panzer on rules to live by:

 

Both cats and humans should observe this rule:

When someone talks to you in a soft, sweet voice ... 

 

Trust me. I'm right.

RUN!

 

They're about to shove you in a cat carrier

 

or

 

an old folks' home.

 

 

 

 

 * From Cat Wisdom for humans 

A Panzerism

Panzer on showing love:

 

I gave Mom a dead mouse today.

I left it on her pillow so she'd see it when she woke up.

 

That really hurts.

Then ...

She let What's His Name have it

and ...

he threw it in the garbage can outside.

 

Humans just don't know the value of love gifts.

 

 

 

 

*From Cat Wisdom for humans 

A Panzerism

Don't touch that!

Panzer on ownership:

 

There are only two things to remember:

 

1) Not yours

 

... and ...

 

2) Mine 

 

 

 

 

 

* From Cat Wisdom for humans 

A Monday Panzerism

 Panzer on the human misconception of their importance:

 

I'm still not listening.*

I went to the vet today.

She cleaned my ears.

I can hear much better now.

 

But that doesn't mean I'll do what you say.

 

 

 

 

 

*From Cat Wisdom for humans 

A Monday Panzerism

 Panzer on developing your cat's personality through games:

 

Let's try it and see.*

No, I don't want to play a game of chase the wadded up paper ball.

 

Now ...

 

A game of  ambush Mom's ankles might be kind of fun, though.

 

 

 

 

 

* From Cat Wisdom for humans 

A Monday Panzerism

 Panzer on board games:

 

I love playing checkers with Mom and What's His Name.

 

Especially that part where the noble jungle kitty sneaks through the tall carpet grass.

 

He waits patiently.

 

He slithers forward 

 

and ...

 

You're free! Fly away!

pounces on the checker board where all the plastic pieces take flight

 

like ...

 

a herd of butterflies.

 

 

 

 

 

*From Cat Wisdom for humans